killing the god of Expectation

the god of Expectations.
The daily prayer:
god of expectations, hear my cry,
things have to go my way, or i’ll die
I have a plan for my life and how it will go,
if any of this is thwarted, then I will let you know
that I’ll try to take the reigns of control back
because this life is mine and I want it on my track
—————————————————————

I have found nothing but disappointment, anxiety and embarrassing attempts to control situations when I am holding tight to expectations of my life, myself or others.  I look back at all the times I was disappointed in myself and its due to me not meeting an expectation I had of myself: I wasn’t funny enough, outgoing, deep. I wasn’t patient enough, or kind enough, or listening with my full attention. Then, when I didn’t meet my expectation, shame came rushing in.

I do this for others too. As an idealist, I hold people to this unfair standard that they will never get mad, lose their patience, lie, or disappoint me. I view them as God and that’s not fair. All the times I’ve been disappointed in others is the times I’ve held them to an unfair expectation and they being human, failed.

I also have expectations for my life and the way I think it should go. I don’t write a step-by-step plan for my life on paper, I’m way too Type B for that, but I do have a really nice expectation for my future. (Marriage, kids, 2 cats, white picket fence.) So let’s have a chat about what I wanted for my life at this point and how it’s not worked out:
1st grade, I wanted to marry this boy because he was sitting next to me and we both liked the color blue.  (Thank you God for not answering this prayer)

College, I had the expectation of finding my husband.  (I graduated college single and have spent the last 3 years at church in Dallas finding healing, recovery from past trauma in my life. Not to mention, a new thriving relationship with Christ)

After college, I was sure I’d jump into a successful writing career (because i knew so much at 22 😉 )  and start traveling around the country speaking and doing conferences (Um, see previous parenthesis.)

The last 3 years a lot of different things could have happened; could have gotten married, had kids, started a career, moved out of the house. These were all expectations I had. And now as I wait, and wait, and wait, to hear back about this next big step in my life. I look back and see how faithful God has been. And as it’s so tempting to clench my fists tight on what I want for my life, I look back and see God’s faithfulness and see that He has done great things and He will not stop now.  When I wake up, I pray this prayer. When I feel myself getting anxious, i pray this prayer. When I feel myself trying to control a situation to make it go more the way I want it to, I pray this prayer.

God, please help me stop putting my trust and hope in my expectations for my life. Instead, help me put my trust in You and You alone.
I surrender my expectations for my life, of others and myself.

 

 

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