College was safe. School was safe, predictable. Do this, earn this. Don’t do this, receive this. Works-based system. Study hard, prepare enough, write well, speak clearly, THEN you’ll pass. But it wasn’t all me. I spent 15-18 hours a week in the classroom, listening..taking notes…absorbing the information. Sometimes class felt like eternity, sometimes it went by too quick (those fast days were particularly common right before a test.) So there was this balance between what you learn in class, and what you learn/do/find out on your own.
Look, God’s been trying to sit me down and teach me stuff this whole summer. But, I’ve gone in full student mode. Running around, checking things off my list, doing a “jesus thing” here and attending a church service there. I don’t have a job, I don’t have that “student” identity, my community is different, farther away. I’m running around. Anxious, feeling “less than” because of this down time. I can talk about God all day, I can tell others about Him. But, do I even know Him? I know things about Him. But have I experienced him?
I have learned TON about myself post-college.
I struggle to sit still, and rest because I’ve lived in works-based relationship with God. Deep down, I wonder How can He love if I’m not doing something for Him? This season is hard because its a transition. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been running on the treadmill of “do more=be more”, for years now, trying to get somewhere with my relationship with God, but all I am is exhausted. All the while God has opened the door to the gym and invites me outside to walk with Him, to rest in Him, to find out that I am loved just as I am not because of what I do. He invites me into a relationship with Him, to take it all in one day, one step at a time. He never wanted me to stand in front of mirror in a sweaty gym and base my worth on my own performance. No mirrors, weights or treadmills. He wants a relationship with me. I’m ready for that. I want that. I’m tired of being so focused on myself, so focused on what I want, what I desire. If I had everything I wanted in the past, I’d be so miserable. So, I’m learning to rest in two things:
I am enough not because what i’ve done,but because I am a Child of God.
I am learning to trust God. I can trust him because He is the God of the Universe and can see way beyond my 22 years of existence.
I am surrendering to Your Love.
I am surrendering to your Plan.
I’m done trying on my own.