The Twilight Zone
I’ve only seen like one episode of this show, but I feel like I’m stuck in the twilight zone. Or the Matrix. Or what’s that movie called with “i never got an oscar” guy and the dreams? Oh yeah, Inception. Okay, I don’t really know how i feel. But I feel stuck. Like my feet got cement poured over it and I’m struggling to get free. Before I finished school, I had dreams and goals and ideas of what I wanted to do. And now that i’m done, I feel like i’ve been struck by stage fright. People ask me what I want to do and I freeze, stutter and blurt out something. Or just shrug and wait until they forget what they had asked me to begin with. I was once willing to jump on any opportunity, I had my head on straight then. Now, its just hard for me to get up in the morning and to stay focused enough to get a task accomplished. I’m way too obsessed with my phone. I realize that, but I can’t shake it. I haven’t read my bible in weeks, and I haven’ prayed in a month. I realize I need to, but pride is one hell of a wall. Worst than all of it, is the constant nagging I’m getting from my own self. Nothing’s good enough. I’m constantly beating myself up. I’m not allowing myself to rest. I don’t feel like I deserve rest, or that I earned a few weeks off. Oh God, and the loneliness. It’s killing me.(i feel like those are lyrics to a song, but i can’t figure out which one…) I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what i want to do with my life. And I feel like everyone is waiting, even me, to just make up my mind and pick a road to go down.
( Afternote:Whenever I run out of words i start rhyming. Cause everything sounds nicer in a rhyme. So this is me calming myself down)
It’s not my road, and it’s not my choice.
It’s His path, and His voice
This uneasiness I feel, this anxiety
Is not mine to bear, not mine to carry
He has me right where I am, in this season
for a purpose, and for a reason.
I dare not rush into this or that
if I do and I fall flat
God is there to pick me up.
I’m empty and poured out, Lord, fill this cup.
Help me know, it’s not where I go
or what I do, no,
It’s Who I serve and who I love
Everywhere there is a need
For your love to be seen.
fill me me up and pour me out
every day and every hour.
(all out of rhymes…)
Deep breath, Marlie. You’re almost 22, and no one knows what they’re doing at this age. Or at any age.
You’re going to be okay.
After, after note: This unedited rant, and corny poem is where I’m at. Just wanted to be honest and authentic so to let anyone else in my boat know they aren’t alone .
This too shall pass,