Glass pieces surround me, mere remnants of where I found my hope. I stood on glass boxes, but one by one they shattered. I struggle to pick up the pieces but it only leads to bloody fingers. I sit and weep, the memories of what was and the dreams of what could be still lingers. Thickening the air. Darkness all around, but suddenly a light appears. Like the dawn of the morning after the darkest of nights. the pieces fall out of my hand as I stop in mid-step and gaze at this light. Confused and in awe. Shame filled me, “Where were you when I was standing tall? Now all that’s left are broken pieces. Why are you wasting your time on my mess?” Not a word from the light. It responded by shining through the pieces, each piece, oh did they sparkle. Tears filled my eyes. And that’s not even all, my mouth fell agape at the reflection on the wall. Glistening, sparkling. I fell on my knees and lifted my hands up high to the God in heavens, who shines the light.
Church. Friends. Family. Self. These are the blocks I stood on for so long. And one by one throughout my life they have cracked and shattered beneath me. One thing after another, I hop from one block to the other. Just trying to survive. Too afraid to step off the block, to stand on God’s solid foundation. Too afraid because it’s easy to hide your failures from people. Easy to find comfort in man’s praise. Easy to build your self up, to rely on yourself. To convince yourself that you are alright. Shatter. Shatter. Shatter. Figuratively speaking of course, I’d be standing on the church alone, or on my friends or family alone, and something would happen and my idealistic hope and secuirty would be shattered and man God would catch me. Every stinking time. But I didn’t feel worthy enough to have that solid rock that He provides so, I’d get up and climb on another glass box. And the whole process would start over.
Most recently, two big boxes have shattered. My pride and my family. And I really just experienced what I expressed in that poem above. Darkness, loss, confusion, anger. Why couldn’t things be like the way they were before? Why’d I always have to be the one struggling? I didn’t like the broken pieces in front of me so in my own way I just tried to pick them up on my own…desperate attempt to put my life back together. But God did not delay. He started showing me that my brokeness did not translate into hopelessness or worthlessness. Quite the opposite. He has been using my mess since day 1. Shining His light through each broken piece, I can look at the situation and see him present, and I can look at the reflection and see His glory. God has been so faithful to all the hurt and pain in my life. He heals, comforts, restores and my favorite, He redeems the pain. He takes a broken mess like me, and my life and cares so much about me to be present in all the details.
Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed. (by grief, sin, depression, addiction…)
For His mercies are made new everyday.
Lord great is your faithfulness….
You took up my case., Lord, You redeemed my life.
Lam 3:21-22, 58
Wherever you’re at today, it’s okay. You don’t have to be someone else or do more for God to love you. You are who you are right now. You’re where your at right now, and God knows. He loves the present you. I pray that sinks in to my heart and in your heart as well.
Be blessed today,